Quote:
Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl
Can't decide if I'm being an arse about this or not.
My T came back to me via text this evening. I had by then sent more messages asking for a phone check in, and then later saying the lack of reply was difficult, that I knew it could maybe be that she hadn't had time to read my texts, but I wondered if she wasn't bothering because she disliked me.
Her text back said she'd had a busy day and only just read my messages, and was sorry. And she 'didn't dislike me, never has'. She said maybe we can do a check in tomorrow, as she's going to be at work then to make up for time off during the week.
Obviously, that's good. And I'm glad I restrained myself from sending the last message that I wanted to send, accusing her of emotionally abandoning me  But the borderline part of me is hurt like I've been damned with faint praise, or something. Who settles for just not being disliked?
I feel like the more honest I am, the more borderline I get. Denial and suppression and ridiculing my own emotions all the time made me a nicer person, who appeared more balanced. The real me is a borderline nutjob  my brother always argues against the idea that I have bpd, but what he doesn't realize is that just because I very rarely say the stuff in my head doesn't mean it's not there.
Also, sorry for the proliferation of threads. I'm using PC as a safe space. |
You are hurting and that's what is real. Please don't judge yourself, your real pain, by suggesting you are 'being an arse'. Be you
It is your mistrust speaking, when you disbelieve her sincerity. Or perhaps you feel that your need forced her to say something she didn't mean, as if a need could do that - only your T can express the thoughts that are hers alone. No one else can make that happen; T's thoughts and words are her separate thoughts and words, just as her life is. She had a busy day, read your texts when she did, and replied honestly and in an effort to reassure you because she wanted to be honest and she wanted to be reassuring. Being honest and being reassuring can be done simultaneously.
Maybe it feels too risky to believe her, to feel happy and excited that she read your texts, thought of you and responded, and can set aside time for you tomorrow for a check in. What a lot of giving she is doing, but it must also feel like a shock after you had decided she was ignoring you on purpose because she doesn't "really" like you. I've certainly been in that spot. It doesn't feel good, and reassurances are nearly impossible to trust.
Your brother is also a separate person with his own thoughts that are about him.
Do you know why it is important to you to be thought of as borderline? And why it is important for your brother to think of you as borderline?
Please don't let the diagnosis be something that interferes with learning deeply about yourself. You are much more than a word. You are sensitive, deep, caring, feeling, and have needs and desires that are real and honest and worthy of being fulfilled. Explore with your T all of those things that are in your head, including what you don't express...it's all important, and it's all things to know more about.