My T and I talk a lot about how I don't like to have needs. And it's true. I hate my needs. I want to be self-sufficient, and not rely on anyone else. It hurts incredibly when others let me down, and it scares me immensely when I have to rely on people for anything. I feel forgettable and easily abandoned. I feel like I don't stand out and if I don't constantly remind people, they will forget about me. So I try not to have needs, in case I am forgotten about and they aren't fulfilled.

But honestly, I don't even know what my emotional needs are. I know that sometimes I feel incredibly lonely and something inside me aches, but I don't know why. And I don't know how to go about getting whatever that is fulfilled. I don't want to sound desperate or needy. I don't want to be perceived as clingy or anything like that. And I don't want to intrude in other people's lives. I don't want to force myself on them or demand that they give me what I need if they don't want to.

I also feel like I have to punish myself whenever someone meets a need of mine because I was always told how much of a burden and a hassle me and my life were as a child. I was too difficult to handle, I got in the way, and I needed too much. Because of that, I felt bad and guilty for needing anything and I eventually stopped asking. I never asked for comfort, I never asked for anything material, I never asked for affection or encouragement, I never asked for approval. Nothing.

I also end up feeling like I need to pay people back whenever they do anything for me, like I am in their debt and if I don't pay them back in some way, they will come to resent and dislike me. I feel "one down" in all my relationships, like I owe everyone way too much and like I am constantly bordering on being rejected because I take too much from others.

I recently told my T how "messed up" it was to think like this, but that I didn't feel like I could do anything about it. She replied that eventually, I would come to see myself differently, but it takes time.

Does anyone have any thoughts about any of this? Any information on emotional needs, or how to ask for what I need without feeling guilty or like I am imposing on people? Or any similar experiences? I sort of feel like a freak because every time I mention any of this, I am told how abnormal and wrong it all is, which just makes me feel more like a weirdo.