This sort of reminds me of a conversation with my T from a few months ago. He was telling me that I shouldn't hide all the time, that I can be 'out there' with everyone else. I told him that that place was for normal people, not freaks, and when I let myself be seen there I'm told to shut up and get back in my corner.
So yeah, I get it, but I have no idea how to change the pattern...

I agree, and that's one reason why I admire what you do here in starting threads and speaking about yourself. You can speak even when it is so hard to do so.

You know the principle Act opposite in DBT?

Opposite Action

It isn't easy to speak when you feel like you are wasting people's time. Just remember that feelings are not facts: you feel that you are wasting people's time, but that does not mean that you are wasting people's time. I'm glad that you move forward anyways, even in the face of these difficult feelings.

And let's look at the evidence. Your threads consistently get hundreds of views and many responses. How likely would that be if people perceived you to be wasting their time?

Unfortunately, I have to get to sleep, so good night! I have enjoyed posting with you tonight. Hang in there!

Well, I think it's just like you said. If you let someone know what you need you are taking a risk, they may or may not give it to you. But I think you need to take that risk. For one, people want to feel needed, they need to even . Really needing something and being evasive about trying to get it is much worse than being direct and giving the other person a chance to give you what you need and feel good about themselves. Plus if you don't ask you often won't receive, people in general are all very self-focused so keep in mind that almost no one is going around guessing at what you need from them... but that doesn't mean that people don't want to help!

In therapy it has been very embarrassing for me to admit how much I need my therapist and how much he means to me. I don't know why it is... because I'm sure from his point of view it's good if anything to hear someone cares so much. It would be worse if I needed him but kept it hidden and went about trying to get what I want in evasive ways, and then was angry or passive aggressive when I didn't get it. Maybe you can start small by asking for something and see what happens. I'm not saying you'll always get it, but you might be surprised how much people do follow through for you. I think most people are generally good natured and want to help out when they know how to, so long as whatever you need isn't too crazy an ask. Good luck!

I really relate to what you say. There's one saying that helps me. I'm really fearful of rejection and showing neediness, or being burdensome too, so I find it hard to ask for anything because I'd feel too ashamed. And if the person said 'no' it would make me feel even more ashamed - like it was proof that I was wrong to ask in the first place. But I try and remind myself that 'Just because the person said no, doesn't mean you shouldn't have asked.' I think that was from some DBT assertiveness skills handout my T gave me. It's helping me a bit with that stuff.

I relate with you a lot. Needs, that's the reason that brought me into therapy. I didn't even need to eat and when it happened I felt guilty and I would made myself sick especially if ti was something particularly good. That's why I will never "call should I need anything" and why it is a big deal to accept extra care and I pester you all on here when it happens. Even in therapy as you maybe noticed, "others" have to reach out to me, speak for me, read my mind to figure out what I need. It must be difficult...

Letting others know what you need means to let them actually see you and if you are used not to show that part of you it will feel awkward and risky as you have always thought that you can't have needs or be "weaker", otherwise it will be more than people can handle and they will go away while you have revealed the most intimate part of you. I always feel left without defenses and betrayed. No close friends either.
I guess it is a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt (again?).

About asking for advice here, I'd say that posting here gives you the chance to put your needs on the table or try to do it - sometimes it's a bit easier if you write - and since the thread itself doesn't force people to read and answer, those who do are not bothered by your need for advice and are definitely not thinking "this girl demands too much!" as it was their choice to take the time to do it. I know, it's not like doing it with people face to face, but I'd say it is a nice exercise to start with, and it could be sloooowly applied to real life. It takes time indeed.
Uhm, don't know if this made any sense?

One of the things my T has been trying very hard to get me to try is to fulfill my own needs first, before we delve into me letting others fulfill needs for me. I feel selfish fulfilling my own needs as much as I feel vulnerable when I let others help fulfill my needs.

I recently went out and got braces (mind you I am 49 years old). This has been something I wanted my whole life, I have terrible crooked teeth and never wanted to smile and covered my mouth all the time. It was very easy for me to get all my kids braces, but when it came to meet my need to get them, I felt so selfish. My last child moved out a year ago and after my accident (what got me back into therapy) I finally got braces last month. I still feel selfish about them, but for some reason, as awkward and clumsy as they make me feel... meeting one of my own needs has been therapeutic.. Maybe start by meeting your own need first? My therapist does trauma focused CBT and I was having a really tough time trusting her or making any progress at all. I fought her on everything, and to trust her has taken me a year to get to that point...(that needy thing getting in the way again). So she asked me to work on a workbook called "Healing the Trauma of Abuse" a women's workbook A gentle, Step-by-step-guide. I was able to do the first few chapters by myself and when I struggle with one she and I talk about it in therapy. One of the first things it suggests doing is something small for yourself. The first thing I did was find a special spot outside and make a promise to myself to sit on my swing outside and drink my coffee in the morning for 10 minutes and think of nothing. I practiced mindfulness, and looked at the birds, the trees the sun, and every time my mind started racing or wandering I gently brought it back to the tree's the birds, etc.... slowly, but surely I can almost sit there for 10 minutes and enjoy life (which is really a big thing for me). Since then I even got a manicure, a few weeks later got my hair cut and highlighted. Each time I felt just a little better about myself, and it left me not needing anyone but actually helped fulfill a need.... now I have braces...(now I just feel like an awkward teenager..grin)

Now the big thing is to start letting my T help me more with my book, I am having a hard time with that. It is easier to talk about her or anyone else than my own needs, but I am slowly making progress.

Hang in there, take baby steps, find a small need and try and meet it on your own. I have found practicing mindfulness one of the best things I have ever started doing in my life. It is not easy and struggle with it, and the most I can do it is about 10 minutes a day, but it really helps... just a suggestion

I guess what I am trying to say, is take baby steps find a way to meet small needs of your own