Birdpumpkin, I really feel for you. I wish I knew what to say to help you out of it. I know what you went through was horrific, but I hope you can find one thing a day maybe that helps you remember that life can be beautiful, too. Would you feel up to some little project each day? Like, today I will make muffins or today I will write a note to my husband to tell him I love him. Something little and positive that you can begin to draw on to lift you up.