Thanks everyone, your responses make me feel a lot better

I'm struggling somehow to communicate how I feel about this. I have a hard time translating whats in my head to words. It's like the response is locked down. And I can tell it's not really about the missed appt., well, not totally anyway. It did come at a bad time, but is understandable too for that reason... I had just asked at my last session to go from meeting biweekly to meeting weekly and I was feeling a little worried that he thought I was being too needy and clingy; being too dependent. These thoughts are kinda silly, I know, because I actually need to learn to depend more - I always feel like I should be able to do everything myself. HazelGirl's thread on needs pretty much covers how I feel about that one...

I very much doubt that T would pull something this mean on me on purpose - he's a very kind man, but previous T would have done it in a minute, and believe me, that is not the transference speaking. She said some awful, hurtful things about me that skated along the HIPPA boundaries but didn't actually cross any. If I were to get into all the 'things she tried' (her words) on me I'd write a novel. And of course she never apologized. So, even though it's been over a year now, I still expect her stupid tricks. It's not really fair to T, he's been nothing but kind and understanding to me, but I'm still afraid, you know?

I do want to work though this, but I'm having a hard time latching on to how I feel. It's like trying to hold onto mist. I can reach it sorta, through talking about the six month long rupture that was my relationship with previous T, but I feel like a whiny, ungrateful little pest when I do. It's maternal transference mostly. I feel bad complaining about my mom because so many people in her life think she's a wonderful person. Well, she is, in many ways, but she has a darker side that I know very well. Or kind of know, but am not allowed to believe in, and nobody would believe me anyway, because she's such a good, nice person. I transferred a lot of these feelings to previous T, but it ended up being more than a projection, as she took on the role too well and hurt me badly in the process.