So maybe writing about it will help.

It started out with a pretty in depth discussion of what "okay" means. Very often, I will tell T about things that think, feel, or do, and he'll say it's 'okay' to think, feel, or do that. I wanted to clearly define what 'ok' means. Does it mean it is 'ok' to express these things in therapy? Or is it just that it's completely 'ok' to feel the way that I do? Where is the line drawn? If something is 'ok' does that mean that I don't have to change the behavior. Often, the things that I think/feel/do feel so wrong, and I do understand that he is trying to normalize these things in the context of my life because they are truely what is normal to me. But at the same time, while I accept that it is 'ok' to feel a certain way, am I always accepting that I shouldn't change?

So that was the conversation for the 1st half.

Then we began to talk about my SI. I told him how I had SI'ed right before I came to see him because I was feeling all manic-like and I needed to calm down. He said that the SI is a release for me. I told him that I really never have the urge to try to stop. Then I entered into some serious transference.

I told him that he didn't seen concerned that I SI. He explained that it is not as if he is advocating that I SI-- it's just that if I am not ready to stop, he will be with me to talk about it and examine it. He said that it concerns him, but what has always concerned him more is my reckless driving habits. He said something could happen to me, and maybe I wouldn't be able to therapy for awhile if I got hurt, and definite not, if I got killed. Then the transference really kicked in. I got mad as hell at him and I wouldn't even look at him or talk to him. This went on for a couple of minutes, and of course it was nearing the end of the session. Then all of a sudden, it all came out in a way that it had never come out in therapy before.

I told him, "I don't want to f***ing talk to you about this because you don't give a sh**. No one ever gave a sh**." And I went into a whole thing about how no one in my past has ever made the effort to seem concerned or the least bit helpful about anything regarding my SI. But I wasn't just saying it, I mean, I was really letting it go. I almost started to cry, but the tears never made it out.

At this point the session really did have to end because I could tell he already kept me extra. Then he said something that really struck me.

He asked me to call him. He told me that I can call him before our Friday session so that we can talk about this some more.

I am still processing this session. The emotions that I would have liked to have experienced afterwards kind of got lost because I went to a friend's apartment and had dinner with her, and ended up having a great time. Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know. I'm not used to be so thrust into 'real world' activities immediately following therapy, I'm afraid I lost something on the way.

I want to cry about it. I want to reexperience the emotion that was coming out at the end of the session. But I am just numb.

I know he told me to call, but I am not sure if I can.