Quote:
Originally Posted by HazelGirl
What caused my parents to see me in that way?
What did I do or not do that caused my parents to criticize me all the time, to ignore my needs, to treat me like a burden, to abuse me? What about me caused them to react in that way?
My T is constantly insisting that my self-loathing view of myself comes from their view of me, and that she doesn't see me the way they saw me or the way I see myself. But what did I do to deserve to be treated so badly by them? What did I do or say or not do? Why was I treated this way? Why were they embarrassed by me, why were they worn out by my needs? What's wrong with me that the people who knew me the best disliked me and treated me badly?
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I'm curious, is there a way you can ask your parents these questions or are you not on speaking terms (or they passed away, etc)?
I also doubt that any parents, unless very severe chronic mental illnesses, loathe their kids all the time. It's possible that certain circumstances or certain behaviors get to them. They are people too so they were not necessarily raised by most loving accepting educated people either. Life is messy that way. And sometimes they're not even aware of what they're doing. They are unaware of how their smallest actions mean so much to a young person, who sees the parents as his/her world.
I was talking to my parents the other day about them shaming me and they could not even remember! I think it's very difficult for any parent to intentionally and consciously harm their own flesh and blood on a regular basis, by their words or actions.
In my case, much of the hurt came from was a personality mismatch and also how they themselves were raised. What they considered or learned to be love, was tough love, and I was a sensitive kid and saw a lot of that as them not loving me or being abusive or hating me. And they indeed did abuse me at times and at times they did hate me and felt embarrassed by me too. I was not manly enough for my dad or my mom, for instance. But they also did a lot of things for me, things that can be interpreted as love (take care of me when sick, taking me to school, helping me with homework, buying me clothes and toys, taking me on vacation, etc).
But sometimes certain actions or words are so painful or sometimes parents fail us at a time we most needed them and was most vulnerable, that it nearly erases all the good they have done. That's why talking to them about it is sometimes helpful. Especially if done at a time people are in a peaceful state of mind and open to exploring things without so many strong emotions.
Lastly, I think someone who knows you well or for so long, may also lose perspective. If you had to live with your therapist for so many years or if your therapist was the one raising you, she'd not have that kind of distant objectivity. I sometimes have that kind of clarity when I meet someone for the first few times. But long term and closer relationships, especially when combined with personal investment in the relationship (as parents do), can muddy up the one's vision.