I really feel like I've been taking over the boards lately with little regard for anybody else, and I just wanted to say that I'm terribly sorry if this is getting on anybody's nerves. But this at least I want to record, so thank you all who've helped (and even just those of you who've read my posts) for all your patience.

Today I had a real panic attack. Now I finally understand what all of you guys go through, and it is absolutely HORRIBLE. My other "attacks" were like high tide; this sucker was a friggin' tsunami. Worst part? The majority of it was carried out in front of my parents. :'( I think it might have been triggered in part by a cup of coffee that I drank (I hadn't had a serious shot of caffeine in a while, and I think the caffeine in freshly-brewed coffee might be slightly different from that in Coke--the latter has no effect on me), but no normal person would react the way I did. This was full-fledged--heart pounding, overwhelming terror, muscle tightness/tension, weeping... you know the drill.

But my parents have finally seen the extent to which I'm messed up. I'm still so conflicted though, because tomorrow I will be absolutely, 100% fine. I know that. Worse yet, I am hurting my parents so much, especially my mother. I guess I expect them to know how to deal with this, and they really can't. At the very least, I want them to say, "Okay, she's dealing with stuff we can't explain or fix and she's asking for professional help, let's treat her delicately." Instead, my mom goes off on mini-lectures about how she knows exactly where I am right now, how her childhood was horrible, how she was in constant emotional pain as a kid and teen... after I carefully explained that even though I KNOW she's trying to help, all my subconscious, emotional self is hearing is, "I was worse off, your pain is invalid." And then, after she's been watching me curled up, crying, gasping for breath for 45 minutes and agreed that I need professional help, she barks, "What kind of s**t is that? That is messed up!" when I absolutely cannot deal with her hugging me. I've done that before, she knows there are times when I cannot deal with people touching me or being near me, and dad's explained it to her multiple times, but she doesn't process it.

I totally understand that she is a person, she has feelings and I even though I've asked her to edit what she says around me because it has kind of extreme effects on me emotionally, I can't EXPECT her to do so, but... it really hurts when she tries to "help". Worse, I still don't want to "fix" myself because I'm afraid that, when deprived of my excuse to fail, I'll fail anyway and it really WILL be "all my fault."

Going back on 150mg Wellbutrin XL tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

So sorry for all my rants, all, and I hope and wish and pray and dream that things for ALL of you are looking WAY WAY up!!! You all are the absolute best, and I can't thank you enough.
~muse