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Old Apr 25, 2007, 12:34 AM
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yeah, i can logically see the "insurance company's" thinking shouldn't factor into my process and there is negative self-talk there. that difficulty is part of why i went into therapy. it is hard to not hear them though, when it will be harder to go to therapy without them helping to pay.

the questions of: why do you want to return to therapy? and what are you looking for in a therapeutic relationship? these are usually the first things the therapist herself asks when I sit down for the first meeting. so these are "day one" questions.

...but I should ask myself it again. over the past 2 months during this break I've been sort of working on those questions...among other things....in my mind. but i have yet to put them out consciously yet. i am planning on starting that soon...sometime in the next week.

...i think if I do go back, the first session will be a sort of an "exploratory session" -- to see if it is worthwhile to return...

i can't fully answer the questions you posted, other than saying:

i have no real relationships, do not make any efforts to find them, and do not know what a relationship "looks like" because of intense self-loathing, anxiety, depression, paranoia and a sensibility about human interactions that has atrophied -- and since my "logical" mind says this isn't normal and an gnawing emotional pain suggests i need more -- i am attempting to find some way to change it.

in all honestly, if it was acceptable and had not been so adamantly anathemized over the centuries to brainwash us into thinking it is wrong -- i would like to choose to die. basically i'm still alive because i believe i have to be, not because i want to be.

....but that kind of thinking may be another reason why i need to return to therapy.