When I first met my T, we determined very quickly that Friday evening would be when she would see me (last time I saw her, I asked her if this was still a good time for her as she has gone through a lot this past month and had significant changes in her personal life. She said that it was still good with her, and that it was a very coveted spot and that she only let certain, reliable patients keep this spot).
Ok, should I feel flattered that I am a 'reliable' patient/client? I mean, I don't know how many times I have pulled over in a parking lot not too far from her office and debated if I was going to turn around and go home. I dread going every Friday, but Friday nights are the only time that really works for me.

I hold a responsible job (don't ask me how I have fooled the world into thinking I am capable, one day I expect to come to work and find a pink slip because they found out I am not really who they think I am).

Because of this job, and because therapy usually leaves me a bit shaken for a day, we determined that Friday allowed me the weekend to 'recover' because coping in the real world is apparently very important.

But I am not doing such a good job of it lately. There are very few people that even know I see a T, and one is my Admin Assistant. a few weeks ago she looked at me and said "you know it took you until Wednesday to recover this time". It shocked me and upset me. I usually am pretty good at pushing things back and pretending everything is ok until Fridays... but the past month has been extremely tough on me as I start to realize that the little girl I know so many horrific stories about, might just be me.... I am having a hard time staying present and doing my job.... I am worried and stressed. I was really thinking of stopping Fridays for a while or just stopping all together for a while...

Problem is... if it is such a coveted spot and I am apparently lucky to have that spot, do I give it up and risk not being able to return to it later??? Do you think she told me that just to keep me coming back? She knows I have been teetering on quitting because of the things that we have been working on.... sigh

I want to quit, but at the same time I don't.... I want to know, but at the same time I don't. I have spent so much of my life in a zone or dissociative states, that I don't think I know how to cope as we get closer to the truth..... so do I go or do I stay.... that sounds so cliche'

But really do I give up my Friday nights and risk not getting them back?