I don't think that you're contradicting yourself when you say you think you're ugly and you don't want to be pretty at the same time. I feel very uncomfortable drawing attention to myself as well. I just want to blend in and be anonymous, invisible. Remember though, beauty is subjective. Often the people that society thinks of as beautiful, to me really are not at all. I like character. You can have all the right features but with bad character, be ugly as sin. From reading your post, I can tell that you are an interesting person who possesses good character.