Hello Francieblues, welcome to PC
You two have been together a long time and have been through a lot. The fact you keep flipping about on your perception of him could mean you are not sure that he is the one for you. I'm not sure if it's a red flag, but I think it's time you really sat down with your feelings..perhaps call in a good friend or even see a therapist. Make a list of pros and cons, think about the things that really make YOU happy. That is what's most important.
Good luck