Apologies for not getting back to the thread. I've been away over the weekend, and then swamped with work, and I wanted to respond properly.
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Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid
Oh Mast, I totally relate to this. I am so anxious about the impression I portray. You have made me realize something I hadn't really considered before. I am so desperate for her approval. I so desperately want her to like me.
Thank you - intellectually I know she is professional and I am there to see her in a professional capacity but it means so much more to me. I would be so worried if I thought I hadn't "performed well" in session.
This is saying a lot about me, isn't it!  |
Thank you for sharing this. It does help to know that others can relate.
And yeah, I do want T's approval and I always expect him to disapprove. And it is always possible to see signs of disapproval, if one looks hard enough.
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Originally Posted by iheartjacques
I get what you mean. I feel like I always have to be a nice person and not swear or show my worst side.
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Yes... I do swear in therapy, because, well, everybody swears so it's part of the performance. Sometimes, at least.
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Originally Posted by monalisasmile
I can totally relate to this and for me it derives from a life time of people pleasing and trying to please a mother who can never be pleased. I found that my other ts ever mentioned it but I am sure they noticed however my current role will always ask me something and then snap her fingers and say without thinking give me the answer, the first thing that comes to mind this has really helped me stop over analysing things.
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That sounds very useful. Thanks for this - I might try to develop some similar tactic.
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Originally Posted by monalisasmile
I know that you say your time calls you on it but has he explored in any felt why you are so eager to please him?
Does this happen with you in other relationships or just the therapeutic one mast?
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I'm not sure if I have had a relationship where it doersn't happen to a greater or lesser extent. As far back as I can remember I have spent a lot of time trying to work out how I was supposed to behave, or to be. I was "helped" by the fact that I had almost no people my own age around until I was six.
My niece is probably the one person I don't really feel I need to perform around. And performing means different things around different people, of course. But I can't ever be spontaneous. Maybe that's why the written medium suits me.
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Originally Posted by feralkittymom
It sounds very much like a transference or projection, so I would think like all transferences, it serves a need. Figuring out what the need is by engaging the thoughts and feelings in the moment it is happening in session would be easiest for the T. Perhaps not easiest for the client.
Do you have any ideas about what performing well means for you? Does it protect you from something? Is it about identity? Does it reflect a fear?
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This ties in with monalisa's question about why I need to do it, too. I have tried to think about it - not only since posting this, but for a long time - and I'm not sure I know, exactly. Of course these things are never simple and straightforward, there is not only one factor at play. Needs are dangerous, and I am not supposed to have any... but of course I do. I'm scared stiff of T throwing me out, for one thing. There are echoes of the fear I lived in as a child, of my dad's temper - which was probably not that scary, really. He seldom hit me. I was just so fearful of being the one who caused the long silences.
And yes, it's about identity as well - specifically, that I don't really have one. If I don't perform, then I'm nothing.