What about even telling your T that you need to talk about the really hard stuff? And tell her you can't do it without help. My T expects me to run my sessions, but if I ask her to take over for awhile, she will. Tell your T that your anger and pushing at her is probably a cover up for the big stuff. Tell her about the illegal ways of coping and about the dreaming. I hope that doing something like that can help her to help you.