Oh IRL... I know, I feel like I say it all the time, but I'm really sorry you're struggling and having a hard time.

So, I have alot of trouble talking in therapy too... especially about important stuff. One thing my T has brought up (and I think I've heard others reference too) is the issue of "safety".

I think there are some things that will ALWAYS be hard to talk about, just by their nature. But, I wonder about the difference between trying to talk to someone you feel SAFE with, versus someone you DON'T. I can't imagine feeling safe with your T at this point... given all the arguing and whatnot. Do you feel safe with her? If you want to keep seeing her, I wonder if that's something worth talking about (but I feel very hesitant to suggest it, given how badly some of the discussions with her have gone.)

I think, in your place, I'd be very tempted to go off and find someone (cheap!) who does "energy healing" or what not, outside of T. Do it, get your receipt, then come in and say, "look - my energy is all good today. See, I just had a pro energy healer work on it yesterday, and I got a clean bill of health for my energy field. There's nothing there you need to work on, so how about we do some therapy, eh?" But this is my inner brat

(Sorry the energy stuff still just makes me shake my head. I really don't see how she can be billing insurance for therapy if that's what she's doing.)