It may seem like an oxy moron but in a small way he did me a favor by punching me in the head that night. I was able to take a step back and realize the kind of relationship I was in. The emotional abuse that I endured threw the 4 years that I was with him the loss of self esteem and the constant second guessing everything, still feels beyond words. The control, manipulation, taunting mocking me,never listening to me, his rantings all night. Most important were the constant lies some times they seemed
pointless lies just for the shear one upmanship he got away with another one,good for Rick you win. For example he had told me that Rogers accepted a 100 dollars and allowed him to get a new cell thru them, I find out Mary his ex-wife had add him on her family plan. I never once said that he could not get a cell phone.Yet even tho I knew this I still went thru respit and took him to the hospital and he was resigned to get help, what ever it took and we believed that he maybe bi-polar and was formed that night , low a behold he is released the next day, with meds in hand. I truly do believe all of him going thru these courses and counseling and us working on our relationship,was all a charade only doing it long enough to get pats on the shoulder, everyone was manipulated into believing he was bettering himself, way to go mass manipulation, he is a con man.
I have one question I've been wanting to know, all thru our relationship what does “allow me to love you” this kind of manipulation is called gaslighting, in case you don't know what that is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser( he did this)with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term owes its origin to the play Gas Light and its film adaptations, after which it was coined popularly. The term has been used in clinical and research literature. Being in a relationship with him was like a roller coaster ride. I once wrote a poem to describe how I felt as for help I hope that he gets the help he so needs.

These feelings are your own beliefs
living an imperfect existence
cant you see I am far from perfect
I never expected you to be either
but in your eyes I should be flawless
expressions obscure from my eyes
they should be able to be shown silly little me
not to be taken and misunderstood
a part of me I can not hide
I am not a possession forming into your expectations
woman with her own ideas
I have a heart that playfully soars
unconditional acceptance is all I ever wanted
not to feel lost on our journey called love
this chaos confusion making me want to run.