Doppeling, what you say about not wanting to feel artificial is such a great way of putting it. Hits the nail on the head. I can very much relate to this.

I think what I'll have to learn is to take things slowly, step by step. I would like to transition like "right now", but I know it's not possible and there will be too much collateral damage - on my environment as much as on myself.

All I want to say is, please don't deny who you are for the sake of current circumstances. Don't repress your knowledge of being trans, allow yourself to explore it. We will always pay a price for this, but there's much to be gained too.

For me this will include coming out to more people as a first step. I'm lucky to have friends who I know will be accepting and to live in a country where, while there is discrimination for sure, being trans is more or less accepted. So I will take advantage of this.