I had been feeling pretty good until a little while ago--haven't self-harmed in weeks. And then I started thinking about college.

I have always had bad trouble with math to the point that I feel like I should possibly be tested for a learning disorder but I'm not sure where to start, and I also don't know who to talk to. However...there are certain things that I've worked through that make me think maybe I'm just lazy...maybe I didn't work hard enough. I'd start off the year excited for math and hoping it would be different but it never was and I always ended up putting my head down to nap instead because the class didn't make sense. The teachers also rarely explained anything to where I could understand it. My only GOOD math grade was from a project where I worked super hard to the point that even though I wasn't completely right about what I was teaching back to the class, my teacher was proud of me for trying so she gave me extra points. (Or, at least, that's what I gathered from it...I got a "good job" anyways, so I was happy :/ )

So then I got even more down. And why was I even searching for why I'm messed up anyways? And then I realized maybe it was just because I wanted pity...or maybe because I could get extra help and overcome it even though it's hard... But it didn't work for all of school, so...then I got mad at myself and started telling myself how worthless and insignificant I am, like that would maybe make me stop. And how I know that even if someone hates me, they at least think about me, and that's my entire problem. I want attention. And why do I want attention--I'm not deficient in it. My mom loved me and all that good stuff... And then it occurred to me that if someone hates me, I feel bad about it and want to show them in not really that bad of a person and that I can have good qualities and I just want them to like me and I feel like crap realizing that I don't even understand what people mean when they say I do a certain thing that pissed them off and I feel bad if I piss anyone off...

And sometimes I get mad at myself when I say something stupid and think about how I should go and punish myself for it later on but lately I've been really lax about it... My roommate is just as much as a homebody as I am and I don't want her to notice anything weird...

I also want to talk to my friend about how I feel and my concerns, but then I feel as if maybe I'm emotionally manipulating him and I feel terrible. So I've just not been talking to him at all about how I feel...