so I just got home and I have this urge to inflict pain on myself again. Been doing it but stopped a almost a year now. I just feel so confused, trapped right now. Like all positive things are sucked out of me. I feel like I need to drink again. When I drink i feel better, happy and I dont think about suicide or hurting myself.

I have so many things in my life to be thankful for, but I get this voice in my head telling me there's nothing more to life. You graduate from high school and go to college and then get a job, settle down with some, give birth, become a grandparent, you get sick..then die.

I get angry for no reason. I get irritated easily. I think I'm really messed up. As of now, I still can control these feelings but I know that sooner or later I wont be able to hold it down and I'd erupt.