I experience the same thing... feeling okay for the most part then out of nowhere these intrusive, distressing suicidal thoughts invade my mind. They bother me greatly. I have only one time when I was at one of my lowest peaks with PTSD and depression I almost decided to just get it over with...running out of my house away from anything I could have done was the only thing that saved me (and I weirdly was compelled to buy a homeless person a meal and give them $10...it somehow just reminded me as bad as things were, they could always be worse, and that I truly didn't want to be dead).

(TRIGGER)
But yes, these thoughts still happen, and I occasionally still get nightmares about death, and lately weirder thoughts I haven't had before have been happening, like I'm already dead somewhere and someone is finding me... it really freaks me out. I don't have any inclination or plan to do anything, but I have noticed lately that I have enough medication to carry out plans if I wanted to, which also freaks me out. It also bothers me that I don't throw it out (I have a leftover box of fentanyl from a car accident). It bothers me that I keep it knowing it's there if I wanted to go through with it, but for some reason I can't bring myself to just get rid of it.

With the exception of the medication hoarding (which I just realized in the past couple days) I of course tell all of this to my pdoc and tdoc, and they just ask me if I have a plan to do anything, I reply no, and they just write it down on my chart. I recently started a new med (Lamictal) and that could possibly be part of it too. Honestly, I've found the experience of sharing my suicidal thoughts with my doctors very anticlimactic... especially my pdoc. My tdoc will talk with me more about them, and always reminds me of the good things in my life and how much better I am compared to that horrible PTSD episode. No threats of hospitalization or anything dramatic.

I guess my point is if you don't share, they can't help, and even though it's scary to say the words aloud, they aren't anything they haven't heard before and are genuinely there to help you get through it. Don't suffer alone in silence, because that's just hell on earth.