Hi Zoe: Yes, I know about this... I have written elsewhere, on several occasions, if denial were blankets, I'd have been crushed by the weight years ago. So I also kept everything to myself to the extent where at times I felt as if my head would explode!!! (Often what did explode was my temper...) And, eventually it all built up to the point where I began trying to figure out ways to dispose of myself. It took a long time, but it happened.

One simply can't live day-in / day-out, year-in / year-out with that kind of internal pressure. The stress it creates will out one way or another, sooner or later. It's like putting too much pressure on a boiler. At some point the pressure is going to become too much. And, at that point, the boiler will give out at it's weakest spot.

I certainly understand your not feeling as though you want to, or can, talk with family members. I could not have done this either. But, based on my experience, I have to say it is important for you to find someone you can talk to. Probably the best option would be a therapist if this is a possibility for you, or a therapy group.

If your situation is such there is simply no one you can talk to, period, then perhaps the back-up plan needs to be (as other commenters here have suggested) some type of activity you really enjoy & can focus your attention on. Physical exertion, such as from participation in some sports activity, can also be very helpful, whether or not you receive therapy.

By the way, as the saying goes: don't "should" on yourself! It's no failing on your part that your thoughts are troubled. And no one can simply ban thoughts from their head. If this were possible, we'd have no need for therapists... or PC either, for that matter! Your struggles are essentially similar to those we all have, especially those of us here on PC. It's all part of being human...