Pinksoil, I've felt that way too. SI became one of my main communication methods. No better way to say "I've had enough and can't deal with any more." I didn't care who knew that I cut myself either (sometimes).

I'm about to start my internship soon too, and at least my scars from the last time (last month) are down to light brown lines now, not red anymore. I feel like such a phoney because here I am in training to be a therapist, and I thought I should at least give up my own dysfunctions first, but I've cut several times during my master's program. One professor set up bunch of mouse traps in class that someone had to walk through and have someone guide them through it. I wanted to volunteer, and do it without shoes, and hope they went off on me. Heck, I wanted to roll in the mouse traps. I didn't care if it was in front of everyone. But I didn't.

Ok, so what purpose does SI still serve for you? Communication? Self-validation? Distraction from your real feelings/problems? Does it work? (probably yes, or you wouldn't still be doing it) Can you think of any better ways to get your needs met?

(When I wanted to roll in the mouse traps in front of my class, I really wanted to have the chance to tell them that I had been in crisis for the last month because my brother committed suicide and I also had started a depressive episode about a week before the suicide, but I never had the opportunity to tell them, so most of my classmates, who don't know me well since I just moved here recently, have no idea. I want to be known, and I'm not.) Hmm, maybe a better solution would be for me just to ask for a chance to really introduce myself and tell about what my life has been like lately.

Now it's your turn. I hope this was helpful and not a hijack. I just really do relate to you, Pinksoil.

TC,
Rap