I'm 22 years old virgin, I think about sex everyday, I always wanted to give my virginity to someone who I love, someone who is special for me but unfortunetely I never was in relationships with man I loved.
I feel like I'm doing bad to myself if I don't have sex because it's such a pleasure.
I can't have sex with someone I love so I think maybe it would be better for me if I had sex with someone I'm with but who I don't love, maybe it's better then being alone in sorrow but at the same time I feel like I'm breaking myself, my body wants it, my heart doesn't.
I hate to be virgin but I know I could cut myself or do something harm to myself if I slept with my current boyfriend.
Thoughts about sex haunt me, I want it too much so I dont know what is worse.

The second stupid problem is that I want to be a model for erotic photosession but these pictures will be public. I want it but I'm afraid to look like a ***** and then everybody would think- she shows his body in public what a bad girl.
I want it and don't want it at the same time.
Maybe I want it just because I can't have sex with someone I love.

I feel guilty all the time, so conflicted about my wishes, maybe it sounds like nothing but I'm back to drugs and want to cut myself again.

I hate myself when people who knows it say I'm virgin in good context like I'm good girl. I hate to be good girl but at the same time I want to be good girl.
I'm so f***ing conflicted about those things and have no peace.
I feel like hopeless sinner too, I think if I follow my dark wishes the boy from church who I want as my boyfriend would never want me as his girlfriend because he needs good girl. Who like girls who act like a *****s, sociaty thinks bad about them.

I don't know if someone ever could help me, I don't know why I posted it here.
It's just too hard to live having conflicts with myself all the time. I don;t know how to understand real me.