Hey,

I have been dealing with bi-polar, or variations of, for 12 years. It has been hell on earth.

My parents didn't know how to deal with me when I was younger and I had no idea what was going on which made it impossible for me to help them help me. Over the years my symptoms of mania and depression got worse, till I was having 2 or 3 episodes a month. I was treated for depression with various anti-depressants, without much success. It wasn't till I was in my late teens that a diagnosis of bi-polar was brought to the fore-front. However I was so far gone, keeping up with my meds or dealing with the disorder was very difficult.

I was very lethargic, inattentive, and unmotivated. This caused UNENDING battles with my parents and siblings which aggravated my symptoms into faster rapid cycling. I finally got set up on a three drugs that kept my mood at a manageable level, but far from fixed.

Right now I have been kicked out of the house, brought back in when I lost my job and now I'm on the verge of getting kicked out again. I am so tired of trying to get my parents to understand where I am at, that I accept getting yelled at, being called disrespectful, lazy, untrustworthy and unmotivated as the norm. Everyday, I am afraid of my mood, my actions, and my emotional reactions are going to put me out on my ***. Its getting worse again and my parents discouraging remarks keep putting me back in the dumps. I do want to mention that I DO NOT use my disorder as a crutch! I recognize certain emotions and actions are products of it, but I am ultimately responsible for my actions. I do everything I can to keep myself in check, but its not always possible and I fall apart at the slightest thing.

To their part, my mom is dealing with rheumatoid arthritis, bad knees, neck surgery, diabetes, flat feet and she is only 56. My dad is dealing with his own set of medical issues and my older brother is disabled mentally and physically due to a brain tumor and more recent stroke. They have their hands full dealing with him and their issues. I shouldn't/can't blame them, I am a full time head case and I have had to learn to deal with my disorder or... well, a less pleasant alternative.

I am 25, no relationships, very few friends (none of which know about my bi-polar), and am sitting spinning my wheels because my emotional state is unstable. Decisions are getting harder, every new change is messing with me, and my stress level is through the roof. Even my stress relievers (gaming, working on my car) are not working anymore.

I don't know how to deal with this anymore and I don't know if I can. I can't ask my parents, because they have run out of patience trying to deal with my issues, nobody else knows about this and I have no one to turn to. If I could just get my parents to understand my situation, to be more sympathetic, or just get some meaningful encouragement not couched in advice, I might be able to get through this. But I am tired of trying and their opinion of who I am and their distrust will more than likely kill off any attempt.

I can't help being who I am, what I am, but everyday, every minute, I wish I was somebody else.

An off-switch sounds very appealing right now.