you are saying that if you have sex, you would harm yourself and think you are a *****. those are some pretty negative consequences of having sex. you also don't appear to want to have sex with your current boyfriend but would like to be the girlfriend of a boy who wants a virgin. yet you think about sex all the time. the answer seems to me that you need to pleasure yourself to get rid of those sexual urges. there is nothing wrong with masturbation. it feels good and gets you almost the same results as sex. you are still young. value that virginity. you will be grateful you made your first time special with someone you love.