I haven't posted on here in a long time because I've been caught up in school and work lately, but things are really bad, and I'm only asking for help so that I don't ruin my boyfriend and best friend's lives.

Since they upped my meds another 50 mg, I've been having really bad mania. Yelling at people over the stupidest things, spending money I don't have, racing around everywhere, getting irritated over nothing, feeling like I have no control over myself, the works. It's so subtle but it feels like someone's slowly reaching over and getting ahold of the wheel so that I'm drifting towards the ditch. I've tried talking to my doctor about it, but he doesn't think it's too serious and wants to keep me on this dosage so I can remain "stable" while I go back to school. I won't see him again until mid-October.

And then, all of the sudden, WHAM! Whiplash manic-depression. I use the hyphen because it's like the two are mixed together as opposed to the actual disorder. My dad said something rude to me and I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed while I cut myself. I snapped harshly at my boyfriend for not being able to remember some insignificant detail from eight or so months ago. Today, someone stole my wallet, emptied it, and left it in the road. When I noticed it was gone, I drove around looking for it while screaming, crying, chastising myself, and destroyed the skin on my arm.

I've made an End Date. I don't have a concise plan yet but I have a few good ideas. I tried killing myself about a month ago but had to say goodbye to my boyfriend before I left and just couldn't do it. I couldn't face him knowing that I was about to ruin his life by stepping out that door, especially when he sensed it and said "I know you won't do that to me."

But god, I can't handle it anymore. I really can't. I don't have the strength.

I'm giving myself until this winter so I can experience the snow one more time. I don't know if I'll make it until then, but I can try, and I'll use the time to give my loved ones some good memories. I'm moving out soon so it'll be easy to get rid of my stuff without anyone really making a big deal about it. Everything's in my name, so I don't have to worry about that.

I just have to figure out how to pass the time.