You certainly do need help, and you deserve it too. Your mind is lying to you, suicide is not a solution - there IS hope for you. As your mood has worsened since seeing your pdoc I would suggest you call him and be completely honest about where you are at, especially the suicidal thoughts and plans. This needs urgent attention and if you are on the verge of acting please take yourself (or ask your boyfriend or best friend to take you) to the ER department at hospital. Your life is precious. This is not your fault and it is a burden too big to carry alone. Keep posting here if it helps and stay safe.