I think you might want to ask yourself why you're not happy with your relationship. If you feel "it isn't right," why do you feel that way? Just because you're depressed doesn't mean that you're suddenly incapable of introspection about relationship issues. In fact, those issues could be part of why you're depressed. Is it something your partner is doing, or is it something you're doing that doesn't feel "right?"

I've struggled with knowing when to trust myself as well, especially when depressed. (Probably exclusively when depressed, because hypomanic me is 100% sure everything is a fantastic idea!) A helpful thing you can do is try to be as objective about yourself and situation as you can. Imagine it as if someone else was telling you about their problems, and what you might say to them about those problems.

Really try hard to identify those distorted negative thoughts, too. A few months ago, I let myself get involved with someone outside my marriage because my depressed state of mind had me entirely convinced that my husband didn't understand how I felt, would never understand, and that this other person somehow "got me" because he was also dealing with depression. That he understood me in ways that my husband never would be able to. I even started doubting that my marriage would even last because of this, and started seriously considering ending our relationship over these thoughts. I had been dangerously flirting with the other guy on and off for months before it finally went all the way.

I soon realized, however, that I wasn't talking to my husband about how I was feeling, so I wasn't even giving him the chance to try to understand, even though it's true that he does not and cannot understand how depression feels from a subjective standpoint. That doesn't mean he doesn't love me, and it doesn't mean I should throw my relationship away because my husband hasn't been depressed, though. Once I realized that, my so-called feelings of "love" for the other guy that I was so, so convinced of evaporated.

I ended the fling and have been working really hard on opening up to my spouse. It really hasn't been easy to do, and he has a hard time understanding how I feel, but I know that he's trying and is being as patient as he can be. Hopefully soon, we'll be able to try some couples counseling to help him get a better grip on what's going on with me, because I realized how frustrating it must be for him also to have no idea what the hell is going through my head from day to day. Maybe that might be something you and your partner could consider?

Something my tdoc told me the other day when I was grappling with my lack of happiness really stuck with me. She told me that "the opposite of depression isn't happiness, it's contentment." Of course, depression doesn't help one experience "happiness" very well at all, but it made me realize that striving for some idea of happiness isn't very realistic. The goal truly is balance, contentment, homeostasis. Just being okay with life, yourself, and your place in life. So I've been trying to keep that in mind as well.

Overall, since all the nonsense with the other dude happened, I've been really trying hard to stay very cognizant of what my depression is trying to make me believe and what objectively someone else might say about how I feel. I've been opening up more to trusted friends about how I feel to get reality checks, and I've been more honest with my tdoc as well (I had hid a previous affair and the one I just mentioned because I deemed it "therapeutically irrelevant"). I can say that opening up to these trusted people, as ridiculously impossible as it felt because of the guilt/shame/worthlessness feelings, truly has helped me cope better with my depression, and it has gotten progressively easier to do.

It's really hard to trust yourself when you're depressed, so if you feel you can't do it anymore, you really have to trust the people around you who you know you can rely on, no matter how hard it is. It is so much more difficult and dangerous to try and go it alone when depressed. Hang in there and remember you aren't alone!