You sound like you're having a very adverse reaction to your meds, and as hard as it might be to believe right now, these thoughts that you "don't have the strength to make it" are lies of your manic-depression. If your doctor isn't taking you seriously, I'm sorry, **** him, you need to find someone else. I strongly suggest you print what you've posted here and either get to the ER, call your psychiatrist and demand to be seen immediately, or call 911.

Like you, I have BP II and PTSD. I came close to ending my life one day at the worst of my PTSD. I was sitting in the bathroom, on the toilet, sobbing, with a knife just ready to end it all. Something came over me and I ran out of the house, not knowing where I was going or what I was going to do. I didn't want my roommates to find me there like that. I ended up at a McDonalds down the street, where a filthy, homeless man was sitting out in front, begging. Suddenly it hit me that as f***ing endless as my pain felt, there ARE people who have it worse, and that even in my most insane state of mind, I still had something to be thankful about, even if it was just the fact that I had a bed to sleep in at night. I went in, bought him a bunch of food, and gave him the only $10 I had on me at the time, and just told him "hang in there." Walked over to a bus stop and just sobbed uncontrollably at the thought of how close I came to destroying the lives of my family and friends by leaving them.

Please realize that you DO have the strength, because you stopped yourself before when you realized how much this would hurt your boyfriend. You DO have the strength, otherwise you wouldn't even be here to have written this post. Don't let your manic-depression fool you into thinking that it will be easy for your loved ones to "get rid of your stuff without anyone really making a big deal about it." That is a horrible lie, and deep down inside, you know it.

I'm not you, I don't know you, but I wish I could do something right now to fix you and take everything bad you feel away. I'm crying and shaking writing this now, because everything you said makes me remember exactly how I felt when I started believing I couldn't take it anymore, just like how you said. It is the most powerful lie ever, and I can't stand the thought of you believing it. If a stranger halfway across the world feels this strongly for you and your situation, just imagine how exponentially stronger your loved ones would feel about you if they knew what you just bravely told us here.

As long as you're breathing, every single moment is a chance to turn it around. Please don't give up on yourself. You want to give your boyfriend, best friends, and loved ones good memories? Then don't do the one thing that will ruin every memory they have of you now.

You CAN beat this. You are NOT alone. Please, please, please, call your doctor or get to a hospital. You and your life ARE worth it. Please.