Hi everyone

I am at a critical point in self awareness and my eyes are opening so much to how I behave and I believe I understand the reasons behind it. I feel like a sponge at the moment, waiting to soak up good advice and learn. I am so open to looking at the real me and finding ways to better myself. I feel therapy will help push me along and also make me a better person. I am ready.

Here is my problem...I take a substance (not narcotic) that helps with anxiety/depression and I am told they wont see me until I am off the substance otherwise they wont get a true gauge to where I am at.

Ok so, if I do come off the substance, I just absolutely know I will lose the capacity to be so aware and open. And also, I don't think I can come off substance without being in therapy while I am doing so...so I am in a vicious circle.

I cannot (as I have tried) come off this substance alone. It gives me a bandage...it simply allows me to deal with my issues. If I am not on the stuff, all this will be too hard and therapy just wouldn't work.

So is it an option to lie and say I am clean and go to therapy anyway?

I am so ready right now. I fear if I don't do it this way, I will never do it.

Right now, my plan is to go into therapy and slowly reduce each week while in the right support.

What would you do?

-----------------------------------------

Added after being asked what it is I take:

I take a natural crushed leaf called 'Kratom'. It produces light opiate like effects. Without it, I am an anxious, depressed and emotional wreck. It calms me down enough so that I am able to explore why I do the things and behave the way I do. I am able to recognise the actual problem and then I am able to work on that problem...which I still have btw when I take this stuff but it calms it all down enough for me to see what it is I need to do.

Put it this way, without it, I have NO CHANCE of improving anything. You don't know me so please just take it from me, I am simply not capable of dealing with this stuff without the help from Kratom.

The effects for me are subtle...but enough so that I am able to think with a clear head and really see what's going on.

I should probably also add I take tramadol which also brings a sense of calm to my life.

I am not using it to escape my problems...or nor do I intend on relying on it for the rest of my life. It is simply being used as a bandage to keep my emotions in check while I deal with the facts and causes and logically looking at ways to combat these issues and change my belief system in order to improve my life.