I have had people I know commit suicide, I have attempted 3 times to kill myself all 3 serious attempts. It does something to the survivors. Everyone who lives through their spouse , son or daughter, family friend or just acquaintance committing suicide are never the same. It's like a cloud that never lifts hovering around their soul. It's like there can be no closure. I hope you have someone you can discuss this with to help you work through it.