I see you've already made a decision to not tell your T that you're taking this substance, and that's always your decision to make. However, I wanted to provide another perspective: I found that I could not get the right help until I let my T see ALL of me, including the anxious mess, the suicidal thoughts, and all the emotions in between. Therapy is not just about being able to calmly talk about your thoughts and beliefs and why you think the way you do and how to change behaviors. It's about being authentic with your emotions and understanding that sometimes you have to feel the emotions before you can be logical and work through the things causing those emotions. At least, that's been my experience. My T repeatedly reminds me that I can't avoid my feelings, and I've found that it's much easier to process even the very hard feelings if I let my T see them and help me with them.

Once I started taking Xanax for anxiety, I had a conversation with my T about whether or not I should take a dose before coming to an appointment. I was so anxious that it was hard to talk to her. She didn't have strong feelings one way or another, and left it up to me. I tried taking Xanax before an appointment, but found that I wasn't as in touch with my emotions and felt more distant from my therapist. I decided that I wasn't able to be fully present and authentic with my T, and went back to my regular schedule of taking Xanax, which did not include a dose right before my appointment.