I totally get you A&C... Totally. Your words could have been written by me. What you call poison, I call bourbon and bourbon, like my 4 legged best friend seem to be the only two things that don't judge or ridicule this person who is me.

I'm not perfect... actually far from it. I have terrible issues that I'm just beginning to understand and still struggling to except and explain. I'm off to my first open group tonight to look for help with major depression and bipolar disorders.

I'm 45... been married almost 25 years and everything I've done in the past 25 years I've done to try to make her happy. Working jobs I've totally hated. Lost my direct family because they didn't like her and no matter what I've done I seem to get the same outcome. I was wrong. I should have done things differently. I'm selfish and need to think about others instead of myself. I have... I do... it's never enough. There was a time I really had my ***** together and took care of my business as a father and husband should, but somewhere my mind just threw in the towel. If I done one thing, even if it was at her direction, I hear in the end that I should have done the other.

I blame myself for letting someone else manipulate me and my actions. Making 85K a year made her happy, but it made me miserable. Money makes the world go round, but it doesn't make happiness. Managing others when you can't manage yourself has been a nightmare and brought on the suffering I endure today.

Therapy here I am. I refuse to be medicated by anyone but myself myself and for that I once again am wrong. I wish I could walk away from her. I know we are toxic to each other and I always said once the kids were out of the house I was going to leave if she didn't go first yet here I am. Bipolar to the point I blackout during fits of rage... suicidal thoughts multiple times a week and my liver has to think I have no regard to it. I try. Every day I wake up just hoping for a good day, but at the end of the day there's always one constant... Me and my dog and my bourbon. Hang in there and hope. Try not to abuse yourself and your body too much, they keep telling me it's gonna get better so I relay that sentiment to you. Best of luck!