Dear flawlesshorizon, I am so sorry you have suffered so much abuse and tragedy in your life.

At the end of your story, you say it's your fault, you allowed these things to happen, that you're the problem and that you still are.

I am going to disagree with that statement quite strongly. No child is to blame for the faults and weaknesses of their parents. No child allows the abuse to happen to them from an early age. They have no choice in the matter and are powerless against forces that are much stronger than they.

It's not surprising you've had difficulties in your life since your broke free of your mother. When did you ever learn to function in life? All you've known is dysfunction and abuse. But it is not too late for you to begin the process of recovering from your abusive childhood. You can learn to live and love and even be happy.

You left the military with an honorable discharge. That means you're eligible for VA treatment. It may take awhile to qualify, but now is the time to sign up for benefits so you can eventually find a therapist to help you. Even though you didn't go into combat, it's a possibility you suffer from PTSD from the horrors of your childhood. Many other vets are getting help for things that started way before they enlisted.

In the meantime, you might look into self-help groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics. Other people in the group lived with parents who abused alcohol and drugs and who abused their kids. Or maybe even look into private therapy. Whatever feels best to you.

There are many other posters here at Psych Central who endured horrific childhoods and who have found help through therapy and by talking to others here. I hope some of them will respond to your post and tell how they went about finding help when they were first struggling with trying to figure themselves out. Although you may feel like a total outcast in an uncaring world, you are not alone. Many here have suffered terribly at the hands of their families.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will soon seek help so that you can begin a brand new phase of your life.