I found a disability forum today and started posting there for support.

Big Mistake.

I posted about my pain and the problem with waiting lists. The people there are making me look like a complete incompetant.

"Well, morphine seems to be a little strong for a first drug." I happen to be allergic to codeine, you dunce! (It was the 2nd drug and my doctor's not a pain control expert.)

One guy said that he had no problem accessing pain clinics. But he lives in Toronto, which as everyone knows is home to 2 million people and is the "center of the universe". Of course, he'd have no problem finding a pain clinic.

Then this same person wants me to get on the doctor's case. It's my responsibility to keep on top of every test, etc, etc, etc. It's not the doctor's job to "babysit."

I am living on Frosted Flakes and sandwiches because cooking is too much of a burden. I am dead exhausted merely from sitting up. I am now supposed to find the energy and patience to bug my doctors and find out what the &^%$ is going on with this whole mess.

Waiting lists supposedly don't exist, according to this user. Why are they all over the news then? Why is it taking me two months to see a urologist when I'm in agony? Because they want to make a vacation out of it?!

Why doesn't the doctor tell me up front that I have to book my own stinking bone density tests in the first place? I 'm trying not to scream half the time. Swear words constantly come to my lips. I never do anything pleasurable any more. I am confident I don't want these doctors near me. Now I'm supposed to deal with these dweebs personally because the doctor is either too overworked or too busy playing golf.

Tell me, why should I do something as stupid as draw attention to myself when I don't want these peasants near me? Why hasten the inevitable trip into Hades?

This is not a support group for me. I have not evolved to the point where I can be Supercrip: hold down a job,find new and creative ways to bleep my boyfriend as if nothing were wrong with me, take insults with a grin, all while living on morphine. I am not the "ideal" disabled person. I am not proud of the fact I am disabled, like these people say I should be. I am bitter, angry and burned out. I am tired out by the slightest thing.

They should be grateful I'm not in a nursing home (yet). It's all I can manage to pour a bowl of cereal and write my daily posts. Anything else is pushing it.

Dealing with the medical profession especially is pushing it. I do not want to get intimately involved with these peasants, if you catch my drift. I have spent the past 12 years trying to avoid them.

When a doctor says you have to wait two months to see a specialist, you tend to believe her. You particularly don't want to irritate her after you were locked up for almost two years for non-compliance.

Oh disabled people aren't supposed to get angry or depressed.

I am just so bloody tired.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.