Oh, OE, you are so generous with your responses to me. I appreciate it. ((((OE))))

I am a flippin mess. I need for my T to reassure me somehow that he doesn't now find me repulsive. That he still cares about me. That I am not disgusting. I need, need need....and that is such a vulnerable place to be in. And I feel intense fear that like others in my past, once I trust and open up......he will hurt me.

I have stayed off uni again today! There is some issue between 2 people in a group that I am working on a project with(yep, group work issues again!!!Arrrgh) and I can not face it on top of this! What if it is my fault too? I don't know of course, but I can not risk it..........I am too emotionally sensitive right now to deal with it. So as group leader(why did I say yes when they nominated me!!!!!) I called a meeting for Monday.....4 days away.

Anyway.....I got side tracked......I am hiding from the world because I feel too overwhelmed to deal with any more stress in my life.

And I am too terrified to reach out to my T for help. I sit here, alone, turn to no one(not saying you all are no one because I do appreciate the support here, but real life support is what I need) and keep bursting into tears as memory after memory flips through my head and I realise I told T all about the shameful ways that I responded. Not just the trauma, which is horrid!!!!!! What will he think?

I am stuck in this loop, and despite using all my strategies, and in fact trying to be kind to myself(which I still suck at but try).....I am still here. I know, it may not take the pain away, but it may calm the trauma responses.

Gah! I am rambling like a idiot now. Please excuse this, I am just overwhelmed.

I just need, desperately need, some to catch me, hold me and tell me it will all be ok. I suppose though, I need to find a way to do that for myself.............

ok, blurt over.