I'm 37 and getting a good enough mothering experience in therapy. I've had help getting through from maternal figures prior. So, you can focus on nurturing yourself but don't nix the idea of ever receiving some solid maternal nurturing, it's definitely possible and not an all or nothing reality.

As for not feeling yourself- that's what happens to everyone when we're emotionally under the weather. You need some time to recoup, to work through, to settle.

I know how painful such stories are, as a writer. I've recently started going through my teenage writings (fiction and nonfiction) and it's very powerful.

I commend you for putting something so important on paper, it will be useful to you as the pain is transformed. You will be able to make meaning out of suffering, though I know that's hard to see sometimes.