Quote:
Originally Posted by Leah123
I'm 37 and getting a good enough mothering experience in therapy. I've had help getting through from maternal figures prior. So, you can focus on nurturing yourself but don't nix the idea of ever receiving some solid maternal nurturing, it's definitely possible and not an all or nothing reality.
As for not feeling yourself- that's what happens to everyone when we're emotionally under the weather. You need some time to recoup, to work through, to settle.
I know how painful such stories are, as a writer. I've recently started going through my teenage writings (fiction and nonfiction) and it's very powerful.
I commend you for putting something so important on paper, it will be useful to you as the pain is transformed. You will be able to make meaning out of suffering, though I know that's hard to see sometimes.
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I think there can be maternal nurturing, but I think for me, it would just never be enough. I have someone now who nurtures me all she can in that maternal way that I crave, but that won't last forever, and even if it's not her and someone else in the future...it will just never feel enough. It never has. I've always doubted too much, and I'm just not a small dependent child anymore who can crawl into a mother-figure's lap and have her hold me and kiss it better. So yes, there can be nurturing, and I think for me there always will be since it's something I know I crave, but I have to learn to accept what it is I'm given instead of always yearning for more...that's the tricky part.
And as for the writings...well, mostly now I vacillate between shame and embarrassment and disgust at my own weakness...maybe as I get older, I will be able to find more compassion with myself, but mostly now I just feel so immature and babyish. T and I talked about this today and she says everyone has that need to be nurtured and loved, even as an adult, and that it's especially understandable given my experiences. But in my mind, that's not an excuse...I suppose I have very high expectations for myself, stemming from a belief that I can accomplish anything if I just want it badly enough...
And I think especially when I'm all needy and clingy and regressing like this, I'm just plain unlovable. For the most part, when I'm being my grown up self, I am witty and clever and charming and funny and perceptive...but when I'm acting like a five year old, it's just too much for other people to handle. It drains them. Understandably so.