I am in the afterlife, because "life" should have ended on May 31, 2014 at around 10 pm Pacific time. Everything was in order. I had the most effective means of guaranteeing departure and the best view I could hope for. There wasn't a human being within miles. The time of night guaranteed delayed intervention if any. The only thing that stood between me and God that night was my own stupidity.

Yet, this afterlife is not as nice as I had hoped it would be

It began with me screaming my lungs out on a quiet mountaintop, in view of the gorgeous Pacific ocean. I was screaming the loudest I have ever screamed, because a piece of lead that was supposed to end my suffering failed to do its job, because I had failed to do mine, and I was left injured, ashamed, and confused beyond belief in a now meaningless world. Meaningless because I had not planned to be here after that night. My best laid plans had failed me. My best hope of relief had been exhausted. The only thing I was sure of, at that point, was more pain ... a LOT MORE.

So, I still wonder, today, what the ***** I'm doing here, because I was supposed to be far away by now. I had seen my imaginary tombstone with the dates set on it. I'm FURIOUS that I screwed up what should have been the easiest thing I ever had to do in 30 miserable years. I'm FURIOUS that God played this evil trick on me. I'm FURIOUS that I live in a world where the law forces my toxic heart to beat instead of putting it to rest as per my wish.

I would love to hitch a ride on the next nuclear weapon that gets tested.