I'm not one to "air my dirty laundry", especially online. On one hand, I don't want to talk because it doesn't do any good. I'm so sick of people, so sick of putting on a smile when I just want to cry and scream shut the ---- up! I'm so jumpy...the slightest thing sets me off. Doesn't help I work at a hospital and take public transportation. Most days it takes everything in my being not to snap. I guess the fear of embarrassment overpowers my need to have an emotional breakdown in public. My mother, bless her heart, who also suffers from depression tells me "This will pass." Really?! When? Tell me. Because I've watched you my whole life, tried to hold it together while you're "in your cave", made excuses, and tried to be understanding.

I'm really not sure what to say. I don't look anyone in the eye (never really have) unless I absolutely have to. I hate being approached...lashed out on some poor fella at the train stop tonight. Not proud of that. Thank goodness I have mace. This IS Chicago after all. I do just enough at work to not get fired, but in all honesty, I don't even really do my job anymore. I just sit there. Mindlessly browse the internet, walk around the building...just pass the time. I forget to eat. That sounds silly, I mean, how do you forget to eat? I don't think about it until my stomach growls and even then I don't want much.

The only thing I'm remotely interested in is finishing my associate's degree. I'm just a few courses shy of finishing and waiting for my next course to ship. So I'm reading The Divine Comedy. For fun. I throw myself into puzzles. Or sleep. Nothing super engaging.

My logical side tells me I have no reason to feel this way. Yes, life gets crappy, people have bad days. According to my mother, I'm not reacting to stress the way a "normal" person should, whatever that means. "You need better medication," she said. I take 75 mg of Effexor every night. Before that I was on Zoloft and tried to wean myself off just for poops and giggles. Bad idea. Don't recommend it. Doc gave me Xanax for the jitters and jumps but all it does is make me sleepy and I don't want to rely on that. And yes, I do see a therapist twice a month. I've told her some stuff but I still keep a lot inside...counterproductive right?

I'm open to ideas on how others get through this because quite honestly, I hate living this way. I hate myself for not being able to beat THIS, although I'm not really sure what THIS is anymore. Depression? Anxiety? Selfishness? I watch people everyday go through so much worse. I try so hard....and I'm exhausted.

Thanks for reading...