Hey. Fresh off the boat here and probably out of bounds but why are you trying to off yourself if you want to do all of those amazing things with a woman? Also, you speak of love of Emily Blunt, interest in UK accents, body building, even visiting the UK someday. You obviously yearn and want and desire. So, if I may ask, what's sending you to the top of the mountain to end it all?
Something else: Maybe the illusion that you're a decent guy isn't your problem; rather, maybe your problem is your belief that it's an illusion.
P.S. Glad you didn't die.