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Do people with BPD feel like you are different people at different times?
I often worry I have a side of me that is very bad and narcissistic, angry and careless and when I am it, it's ALL of me and I will never be able to stop that taking over I wish to throw it out and always feel happy and loving and connected to my understanding and kind and compassionate side
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Totally. This is the essence of BPD for me.
I also behave like a complete narcissist when my rage levels are triggered. I'm the only one in the room who matters, it's all about me and my fragile ego. But the painful thing about BPD is we get to look back at that state later from a more stable perspective and feel the shame and guilt.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to be a narcissist 24/7, at least it would be consistent. But then my ultimate aim is to integrate all sides of my personality and I recognize I have a problem and it's ultimately my problem, not other people's (in a way narcissists probably cannot acknowledge). I feel like I'm stuck in development and am almost there but keep tripping up.
Only yesterday I woke up in a rage at my upstairs neighbour making noise early (he often wakes me early when going to work). The red mist came down and I started shouting and swearing loud enough for him to hear me. My voice entirely changed and I felt confident and energized in that moment. Now I've gone back to feeling like a shamed child. On a positive note, he's being much quieter today
