You get so down on yourself for not being able to beat this, and yet you also mention that you let your therapist know so little about what you're facing. You're not alone with this, and there's no need to beat this alone either. Let your therapist in so she/he can really help. THAT's how you beat this.

And I'm not meaning to condemn you or put you down, that's not what I mean. Rather I want to encourage you to see the hope that's there. A lot of times, when we feel so down, the simplest things can pull us through. Many times it's all about focus. I often times put myself in situations where I set myself up to fail, then I blame myself for failing. Really, it makes perfect sense that I feel depressed! But beating myself up only makes me more depressed. Instead, I have to force myself to focus on what hope is there, even when I don't trust it or believe in it. Some may call that being naïve, I call it survival.

And it may be hard to let others in, but many times that's the only way we can get healing. It's hurts to be vulnerable, but we can't do this alone either. Nor do we have to.

I hope this gives you some encouragement. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone.