I know I am being beyond unreasonable, because some of this is my own fault for being an annoying little ****, but I'm just stinging and my head is gone. My skin feels literally like I have been slapped, my heart is racing.

I couldn't go to my session today. Had it on the phone instead. I went in trying to be honest saying it's not working and I don't know what to do, that I feel worse after therapy, and I'm not committed enough to my own life. Therapist pretty much seizes on this, fair enough, it's true so she has the right to. It has got to the stage where she has a contract and a wait list and she won't risk a 20 year career on my ambiguity as she has a contract and the manager could sue her or something.

Totally fair of course. I said I doubted I could commit and she said well then you can't do it right now. So I said I guess this is it all done and she was like yep, you know where I am. At this point it felt surreal I couldn't imagine that was it all gone. And I told her I was afraid of the wrong decision.

The upshot is I have to decide by the end of today if I am committed enough. I shut down. I can't say anything at all to her. I did manage to ask had I managed to just finally make her annoyed and she said no. She texted after and said she wasn't.

Why am I like this. I'm pretty sure she has handled this a bit wrong but ultimately why have I managed to alienate another person who was trying to help