Hi shakespeare. I've been skimming over people's responses here and there have been some great and thought-provoking things said.

First of all, to give you a bit of context as to where I am coming from, I think it's perfectly fine for sex to be a deal-maker or -breaker. That said, my thinking is that, regardless of your sexual preferences, or your wife's, you seem to be incompatible. For whatever reason. There is no judgement. I'm sure your wife is lovely. You seem to genuinely care for her wellbeing, and the wellbeing of your relationship, not just getting your rocks off. I think that's great.

I also think that if it's important to you, you need to be very frank about it. It's great that you have an otherwise good relationship. But if any part of it bothers you to this extent, then it is worth looking at. And not just glancing at, assigning some responsibility in either direction, and then acting like it never got talked about in the first place. You mentioned that you have sort of noncommittally pursued affairs (or an affair?) in the past. This tells me that you truly are unhappy with the state of things, and that it's been going on for a long time, given the fact that "the last time was 7 years ago".

Have you sat down and talked to your wife? Does she know how much this is bothering you? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is already harm being caused. It is being caused to you, and it is inadvertently being caused to her. I suspect that if you stay in this relationship and nothing changes, you will most likely end up having an affair. And you are most probably correct in assuming that an affair would cause quite a bit of harm. They usually do.

There's nothing wrong with fantasizing about affairs. It's quite common, even in "happy" relationships. But that's not really the issue here. The issue is that you're not getting your needs met. And in order for you to get them met, there needs to be some negotiating, and possibly, at some point, a parting of ways. (I realize that I'm playing the devil's advocate here. I don't think there's a good person and a bad person in this relationship. I think there are two people who have two completely different views on something that is extremely important to one of them. And I think that automatically as soon as it is sex, and the issue is that one person wants more of it, there is a tendency to shame that person and make it about "well if you loved (him/her) you wouldn't make such a big deal out of it," when in fact sex is one of the basic necessities of life, though of course the extent to which it is needed varies from person to person.) And I think that if you can't be open about your needs, and if you and your wife can't have honest (and respectful, and compassionate) discussions about important issues, than that too might be worth looking at.

As an aside, I will say that culturally (in most cultures globally, I will add) men's pleasure is more important than women's. And in fact, in some cultures, it is illegal for women to show skin of any kind, and women face violence for appearing sexy, or to want sex, or appearing immodest in any way. That might give you some context about why a woman might not seem to care about orgasm. I have a sister like that. I don't understand it either (and I'm a woman). I'm not saying this is the precise reason you and your wife are sexually incompatible. I'm just saying that often, when men complain about women not enjoying sex or not really making a priority of it, they rarely take into account that there is so much more riding on sexuality and identity than there is for men.

Also...not saying that you're not making an effort. No assumptions made here. It seems you are making every effort. And I'm not saying your wife's not. It could be very true that valuing orgasm and/or more passionate sex is something that's not even remotely important to her and, regardless of the hows or whys of it, that is her right to make that decision and to have those views. However, both of you have the right to have your needs met (providing they are not causing harm - or, in some cases, more harm than necessary), and so I think it's worth thinking about in this way: if your wife never changes, and your needs are not being met, what are you going to do about it? Because you can't make people change, and you can't make them want to change. And only you can decide that for yourself. Nobody else can make that decision for you.

Best of luck to you.

Addendum: I offer my perspective and experience only. As with anything else, take what is useful and leave the rest...