I usually look presentable too, but most people don't look too closely & notice that my teeth are unbrushed, I haven't showered, my hair needs washing. As long as your clothes look nice & unstained, you use body spray, and you act normal, no one looks too closely. No one really cares tbh. They're too focused on themselves.

I remember one time when I had akasthesia from Abilify/aripiprazole & I had to see my CPN. I'd spent hours in my room pacing, that my family knew nothing about, but then I got to my appt and forced myself to sit still for our appt. Only my foot betrayed my agitation, but he never noticed. I told him of the pacing & agitation, but he didn't believe me. I know I probably should've just thought 'screw what he thinks' and paced the whole appt, but I just couldn't let myself expose so much of myself like that. So I held it in and then went home to my bedroom and paced some more :/

Idk if I explained it well, but compartmentalisation is when you put something in a box/compartment inside and, even though it's still there in your awareness, you ignore it and act however the situation demands. So I put all my crazy in a box and pretend to be the capable person people expect. I learnt to do this as a little kid though, so idk how to stop it now. But also I feel like, if I could stop it, which sometimes I could and eg be withdrawn with pdoc, then I feel like I'm faking being depressed or something. I've been pretending to be what others want for so long that I don't know if I'm just 'giving' pdoc depressed/crazy me because he's a pdoc and if I act normal, he will dismiss me as normal...idk, it's complicated & I don't fully understand it myself so it's hard to explain.



*Willow*