Yes I know exactly what you mean. I believe that I first started exhibiting symptoms back when I was 12 years old. But I didn't have a severe episode until I was 19. And it's been around on and off since then. I just turned 30, and I feel like I wasted my 20s. I can never get that time back and I pulled away from so many people. I try not to think about it, but I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if I never had depression.