I have always had checking compulsions, and instrusive thougts, and sort of an imaginary friend witch sounds like myself, and is internal in my own head, and not like a voice from the outside.

At times in my life, Ive lost Control over the instrusvie thougt that was in my head, and sometimes I felt like it was implanted by Satan, so that god who was listening would mistake the "voice" for being me. This lead to me praying several hundred times a day. And everywhere there were like symbols of danger and symbols that made me think that god was monetoring my head.

For an instance, I would pray all the time, and everything around me, I Connected to this. For instance I would walk in a Library and the titels of the books had meaning to what was going on in my head. Like they had hidden meaning put there simply for me. But most of all where the prayers, I prayed hundreds of times, and had to start over and over.

When I got an instrucive thougt about say, that my girlfriend should get cancer, and Satan had my permission to give here that, I would typically pray like this:

Dear god please know that that is not what I am meaning, it was Satan that put the thought there, and please dont let my gf get cancer. Then I sort of felt like, what if I really ment it and didnt love my GF, so I would make a punsihment for myself to prove that I loved here. 1 time it was eating Fish that I hated, so I went and threw up. This to prove to god I loved my GF.

At an earlier point in my life I had HIV Obsessions, and feared that I contracted HIV. I would stay alone in my apparment for 2,5 years, and at the time I would live in a mess of a house, and burn Food to kill hiv virus, and I would throw away expencive Food, while having nothing to eat, to avoid HIV. I would use plastic bags on my hands when touching everything. I used 200 bags a week. At night when I went to bed I would feel like I got contaminated forks (of all Things) pushed Down my throat and had to fight gagging. I also feared that Hiv and other diseases would spread throug the tv and such. I dont know why.

In my life Ive been mostly on my own, With a few better periods. From the age of 16 to the age of 22 I would not brush my teeth because I felt I would get them contaminated (stupid in hindsight). I have had wery little order in my life, and its been a mess.

I prefere to be alone. I cant think of anything thoug that would sound as a schizophrenic hallucination. But I have had an aboundance of this thing that started like a "imaginary" friend in adolescense, that sounds like me, and its inside my head. At times when I was ill, I would argue, even in Public With this adversary Version of my self. And I would have feelings that Satan put it there.

I would appreciate imput.

Thanks for Reading, sorry it was so long.