When I'm sad or depressed, I never can tell. I keep telling myself that it's because I'm tired, but I never accept the fact that I'm sad or anything. I get confused about it sometimes because others around me keep telling me I look sad or I look like somethings on my mind but I completely don't feel that way. I feel nothing for that fact, I keep thinking over and over that I'm probably not sad, I'm just feeling in another sense that would seem like it.

Sometimes when I really do feel depressed and at times cry, I end up with weird intermissions during the period where I feel absolute nothing.

For example I'd think of something sad or I become sad, so I cry, but then after a few seconds of breaking down I stop and feel nothing. I stop crying completely and stay like that with blank face with my mind literally blank before I break down again and much more harder. I generally end up doing that a few times throughout the episode for at least 10-15 minutes. Afterwards I stop feeling sad or borderline and go back to do my normal activities.

It's like I can't emotionally or mental stabilize myself in certain situations like that. I do it more than once with other kinds of emotion situations, like when I have episode with hypomania. At times I'll feel excited or euphoric, but suddenly I start to feel sad or become bitter. I switch out so fast I become panicked and I'll soon want nothing to do with anything and have bad anxiety.

Another example, I hang out with a friend or close family member and at first I feel happy about going out to see a movie or meet with other people for a get together and then after a few minutes of thinking so much about it or making action about it, I get suddenly really nervous. Next thing is I get bad anxiety and I quite all connections with the plans.

What's bad is I do that for every thought out plan I make with people, I end up disappointing someone or leave them upset because I can't stop getting mixed emotions out of no where over everything. I want to hang out with friends and family, but at the same time I don't want anything to do with them. My friends are distant, my family ignores my problems. I don't know what to do or more importantly how to feel.

I can't afford medication for any type of mood stabilizer or to even go to the doctor. I don't have support from anyone like, friends, family.

I feel like a wreck and I'm becoming suicidal again for it....