Hey phoenix, welcome to PC ! Nothing's out of bounds here.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. Most days, I don't think about being with anyone, and my loneliness stays under the rug. On days when my guard is down, like yesterday, those feelings come surging up to the surface. That's what happened. I gave up on being with anyone a long time ago.

I definitely want and desire a lot of things on this Earth, but all of that is only with the assumption that I've chosen to stay. If I'm here, I NEED to stay distracted, otherwise those dark thoughts emerge.

What sent me to the mountaintop ? Really, the past 30 years of my life, from birth to now. I've always been alone, know I always will, and I really don't see a reason to stick around. At my core, all I really truly want is to enjoy the company of other people. If I can't have that, I MUST distract myself.

Thanks very much, again, for your response